Bros before Ohioes
You Might Also Like
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
This rocks
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.