Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father