Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

December birthdays be like…

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes