Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
They did not think through this water fountain
I identify as an antique shop.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it