bros in the example zone 😭
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things