bros in the example zone 😭
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
What about second breakfast?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I Can’t Tonight…
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.