bros in the example zone 😭
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.