bros in the example zone 😭
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Good morning, Twitter x
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.