Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!