bros in the example zone 馃槶
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard鈥檚 neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Lmao 馃榿
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I鈥檇 be sneaking into people鈥檚 rooms to steal their teeth I鈥檇 have thought you were crazy.
Don鈥檛 push me, I鈥檝e seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Miss Piggy鈥檚 karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He鈥檚 my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use 拢4.99 Loreal makeup?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we鈥檒l invent another one.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop