bros in the example zone 😭
You Might Also Like
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
GM✌🏻
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.