Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.