bros in the example zone 😭
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
That’s enough internet for the day
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.