bros in the example zone 😭
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
A classic…
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
mariah carrie
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Siri: Retweet me.