Brother?
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter