Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.