Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
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[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.