Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.