Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991