Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?