Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?

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Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?


Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.


Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.


Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”


I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…


When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?


Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.


To everyone who ever doubted me, all I have to say to you is…lucky guess.


My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.