They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
You Might Also Like
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Cheers Twitter.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for