brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
calling in to work dehydrated
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit