Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better luck next time champ

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.