Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*