Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

*sewing*

A thread

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.