Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god