Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Just ordered me some pizza!

this is the best day of my life

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

My teenage children choosing violence

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts