It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?