Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do