Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
