Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Body by Oreos
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.