Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.