Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.