Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to form my very first opinion

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.