Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R