Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You Might Also Like
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Bless you
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.