Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

👾👾👾

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

the prophecies have been fulfilled

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.