Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Catering service
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.