Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
well this is just bullshirt
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I wanna be friends with this person
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.