Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Who knew!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Truth
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows