brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Autocorrect completely socks
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people