Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch