brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
We’re all getting idioter.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?