Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
you could not pay me to delete this app
