Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.