Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

My birthstone is kidney

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this