Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Ironic

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that