Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”