Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no