Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now