Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
💁🏻♂️
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
