Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Has there ever been a more American story?