Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
that wasn’t the question
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?