Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them