Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
You Might Also Like
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
True?
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
fr
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge