Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor