Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
multitasking lunch
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale