Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Childbirth is so beautiful

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

she has a point

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂