Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.