Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Can’t, holding a grudge
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]