I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
You Might Also Like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Breaking news:
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.