Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby