Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Britain be like

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.