Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids