[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.