Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Bruh 😂
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”