Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

*ernest hemingway voice*

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Flowers bee like

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.