Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*