Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Gods work.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!