Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Autocorrect is my menesis
My what?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.