Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them