@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis angrily returns a cheese grater to the store, “IT DID NOT MAKE THE CHEESE GREATER! IT JUST MADE LOTS OF LITTLE CHEESE” he fumes

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@molly7anne

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

@SirEviscerate

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@david8hughes

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

@Mr_Kapowski

9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?

@AnniemuMary

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

@seantgreen

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.