Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.