Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
12653.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.